1. You almost brushed your teeth with hemorrhoid cream. Or wrinkle serum. Or your razor blade. My deepest apologies if you actually diduse one of these items. It’s within every realm of possibility.
2. The kids asked if they could have candy for breakfast, and you’re too darn exhausted to care. REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS FOR EVERYONE. There’s protein in that, right?
3. You put the milk back in the pantry and the cereal back in the fridge. Just pretend the lumps are supposed to be in there. It’s cottage milk. It’s a thing.
4. You fell asleep standing up in the shower. You may have also eaten the shampoo, but you’re too tired to remember.
5. You put your underwear on outside your pants. It’s OK. You’re a trend setter.
6. You rushed around getting the kids ready, packed them in the car, and drove like a demon monkey out of Hell to get them to school on time. Then you remembered it was Saturday.
7. You tried to pay for the groceries with your driver’s license. Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I heard somewhere that you can start charging household expenses to the state. Just go with it.
8. You attempted to bottle feed your infant through the ear. Give yourself a break. Mouth. Ear. At least they’re both located on the same part of the body.
9. You used breast milk instead of creamer in your coffee. Try to look on the bright side. Maybe you’re double boosting your own immunity. Shhh. It’s feasible.
10. You caught yourself rocking a sack of flour to sleep in the baking aisle. Pro tip: Throw your baby’s hat on it and no one will be the wiser.
11. You only shaved one leg instead of both before putting on that skirt for work. Remember the whole trend setter thing? Just tell everybody it’s a new look called Hirtsutian Chic.
12. You asked your spouse if he needed help wiping his butt in the bathroom. What? One is never too old to require assistance, after all.
13. You searched high and low for your glasses before noticing they were on your face. It’s a blessing, really. How else would you have discovered that ant colony breeding in your kid’s secret Halloween stash?
14. You accidentally used a cup of salt instead of a cup of sugar in the cookies for the elementary bake sale. Parents don’t want their kids eating that stuff anyhow. You’re just doing your part in the fight against childhood obesity.
People who say they sleep like babies usually don’t have them.
15. You put the car in drive instead of reverse before backing out of the driveway. Weren’t you guys talking about getting a new garage door anyway? No time like the present.
16. You unintentionally popped a muscle relaxer instead of your birth control pill. I suppose rendering yourself immobile is another way to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
17. You forgot your own name when introducing yourself to someone. Oh well. Who said role playing had to be strictly for the bedroom?
18. You loaded all 6,734 things you’d need for baby into the car and got halfway down the road before noticing you forgot one key item: YOUR ACTUAL BABY. Relax. She won’t even remember it. THIS TIME.
19. You finally scored a girls night out and got dressed to the nines, only to find later that you had put on two different shoes. Just convince your friends to switch their shoes with one another, too. If they truly love you, they’ll oblige.
20. You haven’t exercised since leg warmers were en vogue. And how could you? The mere thought of physically exerting yourself makes your soul cry.